By Sean Claes
I came across a meme today.
I wanted to share it.
I had it all ready.... loaded up.. all I needed to do was click "send."
Then I thought... although I somewhat agree with this meme... and I find it funny... I am not the originator of this thought, so if anyone sees it they are going to automatically associate those words with me and take them as 100% how I feel...in the way THEY perceive the words. Not in the way I perceive them... so I didn't share it.
I'm going to speak direct and let love move first... and hope that you are reading this with the knowledge that I'm speaking from a place of love. And if you are also coming from a place of love, we can have this conversation. In order to achieve understanding... Love Moves First.
Ok. Here we go.
I truly feel that 75% of the arguing and posturing people do online and learn from memes, opinion pieces and un-legitimate news sources (person/group with a blog or Website that report unverified information that slants to their belief system) is all a big misunderstanding.
What I mean is... we're not defining words the same.
The thing is... in news as well as in life...shock sells. The more outrageous your claim.. the more people flock to you. The louder you spout your soundbite, the more people share it... even if what you're ACTUALLY saying isn't exactly what they believe.
Most people won't disagree with you that black people's lives have worth - black lives matter. Most people won't disagree with you that each and every one of us have worth as well - all lives matter.
But consider thinking about it this way. Your child is killed. At the funeral, you're hurting. It's natural. You're sharing stories and memories about your child. You're wondering why this senseless thing has happened to your precious child. You're in grief and crying out. Then someone from the back of the room yells out at you... "aw... shut up already, idiot. That happened weeks ago. Move on. Besides... All Kids Matter."
As a grieving parent, would that bother you?
AT the funeral... would it bother you?
I mean.. it's a fact... all kids DO matter...
But the timing... I hope you see... the timing is off. Most people arguing the "All Lives Matter" don't understand the timing of their sentiments are like daggers in the hearts of people grieving.
Full stop. Breath.
And the blatant name calling. It's unacceptable.
All Republicans are NOT racist bullies who just want to take money from average Americans. All Democrats are NOT liberal snowflakes who just want a handout.
Name calling is the lowest form of disagreement. It's simply what people who don't actually know what they're talking about resort to in order to not actually think.
That's not just a claim that sounds good... even though it does sound good... right? There's some science behind it... In fact, Paul Graham (who holds a Masters and a Doctorate from Harvard) in 2008 proposed a "disagreement hierarchy" that has become known, fittingly, as Graham's Hierarchy of Disagreement."I'm a fan of this hierarchy... as it doesn't take sides... it just helps one understand how to best get your point across in the best way possible. Sticking to the subject at hand and refuting the central point of someone else's argument. We would all get along so much better if we stuck to the top 3 points to this pyramid.
When you revert to any of the bottom four, you're only pandering to those who already think like you. Oh, you'll be popular in the "me and all my friends" area... and you'll attract people who are on the other side of the table to respond with similar non-supported arguments. It's totally the way you want to go if you enjoy being a troll and you're not actually looking for a solution. There are plenty of blogs, memes, opinion shows and fringe news sources that will support that lowest common denominator way of thinking.
If you're actually interested in having a conversation where there could be some movement, move higher up the pyramid. Do so by becoming informed. Educate yourself on all sides of the argument, not just yours. Strive to understand where the other person is coming from and how THEY arrived at their thought process. "If moving up the disagreement hierarchy makes people less mean, that will make most of them happier. Most people don't really enjoy being mean; they do it because they can't help it," Graham (in "How to Disagree").
If you don't think this is a strategy that will work, you're arguing with the wrong people. Some are not interested in an actual conversation. They might be perceiving your words as a personal attack or threat, they don't know or care where you're coming from, or they may be trying to posture to people around them.
I know, because I used to think if I just let love move first I could certainly reach folks where they are and they'd respond in kind. I was slapped in the face quite a few times by internet trolls... but it hurt most when they were people whom thought were my "brothers" and "sisters." People who are are members of organizations who's very tenets are to "Do Better" and help others do the same.
I learned that if I'm putting my time and thought and research into a topic and I'm met with name-calling, grammar correction or non-supported contradiction.... those are the folks to avoid engaging with. I've also tried to stop engaging in disagreements or any scale on social media. My life has been so much happier since I learned that lesson.
Now.. if there is a person who is leading with love who has a differing opinion than mine and would like to have a civil discussion, I'll invite them to sit down with me. Heck, I'll buy the coffee/beer... or I'll let you buy the coffee/beer... it's all good... we're adults.
My father and I often differ in political views. One of the most positive things that happened in that arena was when we took a car ride from Texas to Ohio during the summer. We sat in the car and were able to both share our thoughts without being heckled, judged or rejected. I was able to share why I arrived at my political and social beliefs and he listened. He then told me stories I'd never heard that gave me a greater understanding of how he arrived at HIS truth.
I feel now we have a much greater respect of one another.
Now does that mean we changed each other's minds? No. But we both have additional knowledge that helped me arrive at a new conclusion - That most disagreements are based on assumptions and not facts. And unless both sides are willing to let their guard down and try and understand the other... nothing will change that.
Not a well thought out argument.
Not a meme.
In order to progress... Love Moves First.
